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ben sana mecburum. sen, yoksun..

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lise münazaralarından birinde konu “milli güvenlik için kişisel özgürlükler kısıtlanabilir mi kısıtlanamaz mı”ydı. biz kısıtlanamazı savunuyorduk. orada Ali Şeriati’nin “Kendini Devrimci Yetiştirmek” kitabından bir kısım okumuştum. şöyleydi o kısım;

“ey özgürlük! seni seviyorum, sana muhtacım, sana aşığım ,sensiz yaşam zordur, sensiz bende yokum. varım, ama ben yokum. yani o var olan ben değilim. ben, sensiz boş, anlamsız, şaşkın, avare, ümitsiz, kalpsiz, ışıksız, tatsız, beklentisiz, intizarsız, beyhude yani bir hiç olacağım.”

*

öyle işte biraz.

ben sana mecburum. sen, yoksun. varsın, ama sen yoksun. yani o var olan sen değilsin.

karşımdasın kimi zaman, görüyorum.

arkamdasın bazen, hissediyorum.

ama yoksun..

*

yokluğunun yokluğa çektiği anlar var,

yokluğu en güzel varlık gibi hissettiren anlar.

oysa ben,

var olmanı isterdim.

bende var olmanı isterdim.

sende var olmak isterdim.

senle var olmak isterdim.

***

vazgeçemediğim vazgeçişlerim var benim, bu da onlardan biri belki de..

vazgeçtim. eyvallah..

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