ben sana mecburum. sen, yoksun..
lise münazaralarından birinde konu “milli güvenlik için kişisel özgürlükler kısıtlanabilir mi kısıtlanamaz mı”ydı. biz kısıtlanamazı savunuyorduk. orada Ali Şeriati’nin “Kendini Devrimci Yetiştirmek” kitabından bir kısım okumuştum. şöyleydi o kısım;
“ey özgürlük! seni seviyorum, sana muhtacım, sana aşığım ,sensiz yaşam zordur, sensiz bende yokum. varım, ama ben yokum. yani o var olan ben değilim. ben, sensiz boş, anlamsız, şaşkın, avare, ümitsiz, kalpsiz, ışıksız, tatsız, beklentisiz, intizarsız, beyhude yani bir hiç olacağım.”
*
öyle işte biraz.
ben sana mecburum. sen, yoksun. varsın, ama sen yoksun. yani o var olan sen değilsin.
karşımdasın kimi zaman, görüyorum.
arkamdasın bazen, hissediyorum.
ama yoksun..
*
yokluğunun yokluğa çektiği anlar var,
yokluğu en güzel varlık gibi hissettiren anlar.
oysa ben,
var olmanı isterdim.
bende var olmanı isterdim.
sende var olmak isterdim.
senle var olmak isterdim.
***
vazgeçemediğim vazgeçişlerim var benim, bu da onlardan biri belki de..
vazgeçtim. eyvallah..
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