gözlerimi kapattığıma bakmayın, orada olduğunuzu biliyorum
2010’dan bu yana yazdım bir şeyler. (öncesi de var gerçi ama şimdi 2010’a kadar gidebildim kendimce.)
yazdığım her yazıda karşımda biri-birileri- vardı.
karşımda kimse kalmadığından değil uzun zamandır yazmamam-yazamamam-
gözlerimi kapattım sadece.
ama gözelerimi kapattığıma bakmayın, orada olduğunuzu biliyorum.
*
sen mesela,
“ne çok benzer yönümüz var değil mi?”
hatırla mesela, “karanlıkta nüfus sayımı şöyle yapılır, yaşayanlar bir sigara yakar.” dediğimde sigaranı yakmak üzere olduğun zamanı hatırla.
*
sen,
en büyük kazancım, en derin kaybım.
“eğleniyorsak sorun yok” dediğimde uğradığın hayal kırıklığını hatırla.
çok hayal kırmadım ben(*) bundan belki de o anı unutamayışım.
*
sen,
en umutsuz olduğum anda elini uzatıp beni yukarı çeken sen.
ne çok şey öğrendim senden.
öğrendiğimde çok geç olmuştu belki ama “iyi ki”lerin başını çeken sen.
*
sen,
okumazsın, görmezsin bu yazıyı sen.
yine de Sen’siz olmaz bu yazı dediğim sen.
*
ve sen,
suskunluğumun sebebi sen.
suskunluğumun utancıma sebep olmasına sebep sen.
kırdığım en büyük hayal, sen.
*
karşımdasınız hepiniz, suskunluklarınız birbirine karışıyor.
sırayla susun,
anlamıyorum.
*
(yazının rezilliğin daniskası olduğunu ben de biliyorum.-edebi anlamda değil. anlarsınız ya.- ama görün işte gerçek ben’i.)
*
ben iyi bi’ adam olamadım.
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